Tag: me me me

What Would You Write If No One Read?

sauron

I don’t have that big of an audience. Some of you probably subscribe through some RSS reader, a couple of people visit the site, and there’s almost 60 subscribers on Bloglovin, who probably hit ‘mark as read’ more often than not.

I’m not whining.

The other day I wondered how an audience affects what I do. Here, there, on Instagram, at work, in life. It used to not affect me much – or perhaps I was blissfully unaware that it affected me in any way. As a result I wrote better, I wrote more often, I wrote about a variety of themes. I took endless photographs and shared them in a timely manner. I wore things that I liked and put on eye shadows that I liked without constantly looking over my shoulder.

A blank page never scared me before.

My opinions never scared me before.

Or is it – my own blankness never scared me before?

Let’s not get philosophical.

Whenever I sit down to write these days, I write with an audience in mind. And I’m not thinking about people who come here because they, the poor souls, love what I do for some reason, no matter how rarely and how poorly I do it these days. No, I’m thinking about people who come here to dig some shit on my existence. Who want to look into my pants, into my plates, have a laugh at my wrinkled shirt, my hot water bottle, my overcooked boiled egg. I’m not making this list up, I can’t make this list up, this list is so ridiculous, I want to spit in their faces and step on their necks, and forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, and I am sinning right now.

Back when my main blog was on alexandrabrovco.com, I was much angrier, much more closed off, but on the other hand much more vocal. Nowadays I am not as angry, maybe a bit more open – but also much more depressed and much more silent.

What would I write if no one read this shit? What would I write if I were not afraid for my paycheck? If I didn’t care for an intrusive colleague? If I didn’t care to tread carefully, to conform, to comply?

There’s nothing new in my identity crisis. Corporations and open space have ruined us all.

I’ve been writing on the internets since before it was profitable. I think it was 1996 when I first started some odd-arse online diary. I know that in 1999 I’ve been writing daily, and Blogger and I have been in separable since February 2002. My first domain, homo-urbanicus.com, will turn 12 this year. So I’m old, and weathered, and should know better.

This current incarnation of my blog was started on consumerism, and I am not sure it’s where I want it to go. I still want to write about beauty and make-up. I still entertain the idea of having an outfit diary – even though the last time I’ve been clothes shopping was almost exactly a year ago. It’s not for the lack of wanting to do it, though. I need a new pair of pants (and I mean underpants, not trousers) like five months ago. I just can’t set my finances straight, and shit keeps piling up, and I try to not spend any money on non-essentials until I pay off at least some of my debts.

Cheers to that.

You have no idea how many times I sat down and opened a post-new.php, a blank Evernote, a Notepad, a Google Drive Doc, or even an email draft in my inbox to– I don’t even know to do what exactly. To write? To convey? To unblock? To get some ideas? To straighten my thoughts? To crawl out of depression?

What have I become? I resolved, long time ago, to either write the truth or not write at all. Is the truth so daft empty useless blank pointless incomplete tiring busy old untruthful that I chose not to write at all?

Two zero one seven.

(This post has a Russian version.)

I’ve wanted to share a resolutions post – I love writing those and reading those – and I wrote mine, but upon rereading, it sounded like a goal list. A plan. Nothing wrong with that, but one of my resolutions is to keep mum on the majority of my plans until I see at least some fruition.

So here, instead, is a list of vague inclinations. Things I want to let into my life, keep in my life, remove from my life. I try not to use the word ‘more’ when setting goals – goals need to be specific and time-sensitive – but since these ain’t goals, just mere suggestions, you’ll see quite a lot of the ‘more’ in there.

2017

take purposeless walks to clear my head // take purposeful photo walks // eat outside // drink tea // read books // sing when I feel like it // paint my nails often // try a new make-up brand // bake // listen // go on lunch dates // go out for breakfast // move // learn // avoid stagnation // properly set a table for at least five meals a week // invite people over // be proud of the flat i live in // heavily update my wardrobe // curb impulse purchases // watch my posture // rekindle my love for entertaining // sign up for a pole dancing class // show my library some lovin’ // spend more purposeful time with cats // be present // stop being lazy // stop half-arsing things // do more // talk less // listen more // listen better // be more // be better // buy less inexpensive perfume // learn some new hairstyles // watch 30 movies // attend a group exercise class or two // wear red // wear dresses // wear heels // post several ‘a day in the life’ posts // blog more // tweet more // facebook (even) less // stop apologising for my existence // stop self-sabotage // go on a picnic with my cousin // have coffee dates in parks with friends // invite people over to watch a movie in my living room // make popcorn // meal prep // laugh more // kiss more // hug more // smile more // give (even) less fucks // love more // keep a happiness jar // be content // keep cosy // light candles // get up // dress up // show up // never give up // always have fresh flowers in the kitchen // unfuck my habitat // keep it simple // stop confusing honesty with arseholeism // ditto for sarcasm and snark // marble // rose gold // grey // white // black // red // rust brown // more sushi // more running // less running around in circles // less complaining // less comparing // fresh air

What’s on your 2017 list?

Six Good Things Sunday #3

Feeling Better

For the last couple of weeks my system has been giving up on me from all directions. The stress of September and October (not my best months, by far) has finally taken its tall, and I spent a large chunk of the last two weeks of October and the whole of November in random pain. Stomach, back, head, respiratory system – you name it. I don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve been feeling better for the last week or so, and I hope this trend continues. Being ill always feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I pray to God I will be able to keep my health into a very old age.

… I pray to God I reach old age.

Moving on!

candles

Candles

Some two weeks ago I finally caved in and bought a locally produced scented candle. It is a mix of several scents that are supposedly revealed gradually as the candle burns down, but I really only smell peonies – and I absolutely do not mind. It is also offensively pink and burns quite well.

Other than that I bought some generic candles for my antique (no, really) candle holders, and also stuck some into empty wine and water bottles. Whenever I’d be glum in the evening, I’d light them all as a bizarre imitation of a fireplace.

… I really want a house with a fireplace. *sadface*

From the list of more realistic wishes: Yankee Candles have appeared in Moldova on the grey market, and I think I am going to give myself one for Christmas. I’ve heard so many good words about them, and been wanting to try one for about 8 years now. The selection of scents available here is not large – aside from a few other selected scents and gift sets, here’s what’s available. The site is in Romanian, but the titles are in English.

If you have any recommendations for the scents off the list, do let me know. Right now I’m torn between Peach, Peony, Strawberry, and Grapefruit. I will only be able to get one so I have to choose wisely.

CHRISTMAS

YES ALL CAPS. IT’S NEAR AND I FEEL IT AND UGH SO EXCITED. I’ve already cracked out some light decor and mulled wine. So much mulled wine.

notebooks

Starting a New Notebook

I finished the Blue Cats and Butterflies notebook from Paperblanks’ Fantastic Felines series, and started a new one. This one is much smaller and not as fancy, but I had wanted it this way – I’m going to carry it around with me daily, mostly for to do and shopping lists. I bought this one on my trip to Saint Petersburg many years ago, so it’s high time I use it.

Full-on Declutter Mode

What happens when you move a full flat’s worth of stuff into your living room?

This.

I’ve been going through all these things, trying to sort through at least one bag or box each day, but to be honest it’s been much slower than that, as on most days I cap it at two 15-minute sessions – there is simply no time to do more, what’s with all the other activities on my daily list.

There are also about a dozen huge boxes of stuff (mostly books) in the library, and some more things in my father’s room. If I get through this in time for New Year’s, I’d be very surprised.

Though this note doesn’t make it sound like it, this is a good thing, because I am finally going through all my earthly possessions, getting rid of many of the things that I do not need. I just crack out Pimsleur Spanish, and go. I’ve also been able to rent out my second apartment, so yay.

chocolate

Chocolate

I finally let myself eat a piece of chocolate candy. And then even several pieces of a chocolate bar, with coffee. It was a very happy moment.

What’s been keeping you going this week? Share in the comments!